casualties
It rained the day he said goodbye. It rained for months on the indside and the outside when he left. After the monsoon season had passed and the days became hot and dry once again, I found myself lost and alone craving those rainy days when I knew what it was like to cry. I had cried till there was nothing left to cry, the tears had all but dried up and all that was left was a dull, constant pain in the place of a heart. Months transformed into years without my knowledge, days passed in a blur and random encounters grew too many to count. Still, nothing could quell the pain.
Twenty five years later I'm in the waiting room of the famous and very popular plastic surgeon waiting to discuss my breat reconstruction. In all those years without him, I had imgained a million scenarios of our reunion, but never one like this. In my panic I had given my ex-husband's name and now I sat waiting and wondering what he would say when he saw who it was. Minutes stretched on like years while I waited. 25 years of longing and waiting and wondering all led up to this. Will, my ex-husband had offered to come along with me but Samantha, my lover had thrown a fit. Eventually, I came alone, and now I sit in the waiting room imagining another million scenarios while waiting for reality to happen.
I remember the fisrt time we laid eyes on each other. It was a spontaneous meeting after years of communication through mere writing alone. The first time we saw each other and heard each other was simply magical, it was like finally being about to see and hear and speak after having been blind, deaf and mute for years. Our souls took form, became words and intertwined. Just like that, we were one. I never thought that love at first sight could happen and even till this day I would deny its existence every time, but when we met that was it and nothing would ever stop me from believing that. First impressions do count and ours was a very impressionable first impression.
Finally, it was time. I walked into his office not knowing what to expect. Surely after 25 years, time would have changed us both. There would be lines where there weren't before, and that face that I have seen a million times in my memory would not be the face I would be looking into today.
The silence was deafening as I walked up to him and sat down. He looked at me and instantly I was brought back to our first night together when he stared into my eyes and searched for my soul. I remember looking into his and seeing my soul reflected there and I remember the way it felt so right that nothing could ever be wrong again. He was the first to break the silence, "you look well, time has been kind." He said. I could see lines where there weren't any before and I wondered what put them there. There were so many things I wanted to say, so many questions I wanted to ask, so many things I wanted to know that happened to him while I wasn't there to witness it, but all I said was, "so do you."
He wanted to know why I was here and I told him. Cancer. I had breast cancer some time back and had to have a mastectomy. Now I needed, no wanted him to do the breast reconstruction. When I was done explaining, he was crying. I wanted to reach out to him but my stubborn hands refused to move, my eyes stared at him taking in everything like the land gone too long without rain, I was drinking in his very image, his tears, his being. I couldn't cry, couldn't speak, not trusting my voice and so I sat there and stared unblinking. Finally I told him not to feel sorry for me or pity me in any way. He comented that I was married and I explained that I was now divorced. He confessed that he never married because he never could find the time to meet anyone, but he was married to his business and he was doing well. I told him I knew and that I had heard about him on the news and in various papers as well. Then he asked me why. I told him because I wanted him to, because he was the only one I trusted and mostly because he truly knew what it was like before the cancer took it. He got to work pretty quickly after that and I was soon scheduled in for the operation the following week.
I never thought leaving his office would have been that difficult. I sat there for 5 maybe 10 minutes, not knowing what to say after he told me when to come in. The meeting was at its end and suddenly I remembered how hard it was to part that first night. We spent hours upon hours just holding each other and talking. I remember we watched the sun come up and I remember the drive home where I had prayed fervently for time to stop but it didn't. I remember the long goodbye at the front gate and how I watched him drive away and how I couldn't wait for the hours to pass before I could be with him again. The difficulty of leaving him was always a problem for me, which was why he was the one who had to leave. But now, it would be me who would have to do that. I stood up and so did he. I looked down and away, not ready to say goodbye bravely. I got to the door before I heard him ask me to have dinner with him. Time stood still until I agreed and I thought I heard him breathe again when I walked out.
The restaurant looked familiar but it felt completely different. He had taken me there for our first Valentine's day dinner. The table was no longer covered in rose petals like they were the last time and this time, I was the one who had the wine. Dinner went well and we talked about everything that happened while we were apart. How time flies when it wants to. The waiter had to come up to us to ask us to leave as they needed to close up. He paid and then drove me home. I didn't ask him to stay and I didn't pray for time to stop either. I could see he wanted me to say something but I couldn't. I didn't want to have to go through the pain of having him leave again.
Samantha was waiting when I got back and without words, she took me up to our room, gave me a bath and tucked me into bed. Long ago, I discovered that while I could never love anyone as much as I love him, I could find peace with the right one and Samantha was it. She was my safe harbour, my calm in the storm. She was everything safe and warm and good in my life and she never questioned me about anything. She never tried to fight him or his memories. She never asked for my heart because she knew I had none to give. Instead, she offered herself fully and completely to me without asking for anything in return and to her I would always go.
Days sped past like seconds and every night it was the same. He would call, come by, pick me up and we would have dinner and just talk. We had 25 years of catching up to do in one week. It was an impossible task. Every night, after dinner he would send me home and Samantha would put me to bed. It was that way until the day of the operation. I lay on that sold table looking up at him and I knew then that he was all I ever wanted and he didn't have to want me back for me to be fulfilled. So before they put me to sleep, I whispered my thanks and told him I loved him and that I always had from the time my soul found his until the end of time.
Operations can be tricky things and sometimes even the simplest procedure can go wrong. I knew Samantha would move on. She was strong enough for the both of us. I never expected him to fall apart even though I wanted him to in my heart of hearts, but he will pull himself together again, because that is what I would have wanted. But at last I know what it felt like to die in his arms and to be forever in his memory, a part of him for eternity.
Twenty five years later I'm in the waiting room of the famous and very popular plastic surgeon waiting to discuss my breat reconstruction. In all those years without him, I had imgained a million scenarios of our reunion, but never one like this. In my panic I had given my ex-husband's name and now I sat waiting and wondering what he would say when he saw who it was. Minutes stretched on like years while I waited. 25 years of longing and waiting and wondering all led up to this. Will, my ex-husband had offered to come along with me but Samantha, my lover had thrown a fit. Eventually, I came alone, and now I sit in the waiting room imagining another million scenarios while waiting for reality to happen.
I remember the fisrt time we laid eyes on each other. It was a spontaneous meeting after years of communication through mere writing alone. The first time we saw each other and heard each other was simply magical, it was like finally being about to see and hear and speak after having been blind, deaf and mute for years. Our souls took form, became words and intertwined. Just like that, we were one. I never thought that love at first sight could happen and even till this day I would deny its existence every time, but when we met that was it and nothing would ever stop me from believing that. First impressions do count and ours was a very impressionable first impression.
Finally, it was time. I walked into his office not knowing what to expect. Surely after 25 years, time would have changed us both. There would be lines where there weren't before, and that face that I have seen a million times in my memory would not be the face I would be looking into today.
The silence was deafening as I walked up to him and sat down. He looked at me and instantly I was brought back to our first night together when he stared into my eyes and searched for my soul. I remember looking into his and seeing my soul reflected there and I remember the way it felt so right that nothing could ever be wrong again. He was the first to break the silence, "you look well, time has been kind." He said. I could see lines where there weren't any before and I wondered what put them there. There were so many things I wanted to say, so many questions I wanted to ask, so many things I wanted to know that happened to him while I wasn't there to witness it, but all I said was, "so do you."
He wanted to know why I was here and I told him. Cancer. I had breast cancer some time back and had to have a mastectomy. Now I needed, no wanted him to do the breast reconstruction. When I was done explaining, he was crying. I wanted to reach out to him but my stubborn hands refused to move, my eyes stared at him taking in everything like the land gone too long without rain, I was drinking in his very image, his tears, his being. I couldn't cry, couldn't speak, not trusting my voice and so I sat there and stared unblinking. Finally I told him not to feel sorry for me or pity me in any way. He comented that I was married and I explained that I was now divorced. He confessed that he never married because he never could find the time to meet anyone, but he was married to his business and he was doing well. I told him I knew and that I had heard about him on the news and in various papers as well. Then he asked me why. I told him because I wanted him to, because he was the only one I trusted and mostly because he truly knew what it was like before the cancer took it. He got to work pretty quickly after that and I was soon scheduled in for the operation the following week.
I never thought leaving his office would have been that difficult. I sat there for 5 maybe 10 minutes, not knowing what to say after he told me when to come in. The meeting was at its end and suddenly I remembered how hard it was to part that first night. We spent hours upon hours just holding each other and talking. I remember we watched the sun come up and I remember the drive home where I had prayed fervently for time to stop but it didn't. I remember the long goodbye at the front gate and how I watched him drive away and how I couldn't wait for the hours to pass before I could be with him again. The difficulty of leaving him was always a problem for me, which was why he was the one who had to leave. But now, it would be me who would have to do that. I stood up and so did he. I looked down and away, not ready to say goodbye bravely. I got to the door before I heard him ask me to have dinner with him. Time stood still until I agreed and I thought I heard him breathe again when I walked out.
The restaurant looked familiar but it felt completely different. He had taken me there for our first Valentine's day dinner. The table was no longer covered in rose petals like they were the last time and this time, I was the one who had the wine. Dinner went well and we talked about everything that happened while we were apart. How time flies when it wants to. The waiter had to come up to us to ask us to leave as they needed to close up. He paid and then drove me home. I didn't ask him to stay and I didn't pray for time to stop either. I could see he wanted me to say something but I couldn't. I didn't want to have to go through the pain of having him leave again.
Samantha was waiting when I got back and without words, she took me up to our room, gave me a bath and tucked me into bed. Long ago, I discovered that while I could never love anyone as much as I love him, I could find peace with the right one and Samantha was it. She was my safe harbour, my calm in the storm. She was everything safe and warm and good in my life and she never questioned me about anything. She never tried to fight him or his memories. She never asked for my heart because she knew I had none to give. Instead, she offered herself fully and completely to me without asking for anything in return and to her I would always go.
Days sped past like seconds and every night it was the same. He would call, come by, pick me up and we would have dinner and just talk. We had 25 years of catching up to do in one week. It was an impossible task. Every night, after dinner he would send me home and Samantha would put me to bed. It was that way until the day of the operation. I lay on that sold table looking up at him and I knew then that he was all I ever wanted and he didn't have to want me back for me to be fulfilled. So before they put me to sleep, I whispered my thanks and told him I loved him and that I always had from the time my soul found his until the end of time.
Operations can be tricky things and sometimes even the simplest procedure can go wrong. I knew Samantha would move on. She was strong enough for the both of us. I never expected him to fall apart even though I wanted him to in my heart of hearts, but he will pull himself together again, because that is what I would have wanted. But at last I know what it felt like to die in his arms and to be forever in his memory, a part of him for eternity.
posted by Princess A at 9/18/2005
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